Digging Trenches

I have five weddings I am going to this summer. That has never happened to me before. I think in my entire life I have been to maybe five weddings total. I don’t really know what this is.  I guess I don’t know a lot of people who have gotten married or the people I do know didn’t invite me or maybe they felt my vibe that I didn’t want to go?  I don’t know and this is probably as much thought I have put into this ever.

I am very happy for the people in all five of these weddings. I am more happy for others in the five but that is only because I am closer to a few of the people or I know the stories of these people and how they came to find the happiness they did. And I get to have crab cakes and filet and BBQ along with three different types of cake so really I get to be happy too.

This story isn’t about those weddings though. This story is about the weddings of other people; people who just piss me off; the weddings of my exes or my ex friends.

You know when you break up with someone or they break up with you and then you hear the line “I wish you all the happiness”. Yeah, I don’t believe that either. Two of my exes either got married last year or are getting married this year (June 27 to be exact). These are the two exes who ended up dating, falling in love and marrying my ex friends.  These are the people who were once my friends but decided that they couldn’t be anymore; who spent our entire friendship looking for the one and wanting me to be best friends with their one as well. The people who were not there for me during my breakups because they were so busy with their hookups. These are the people I am supposed to end up being happy for because they feel bliss and love and are marrying their “best friend.”

I have dug and dug and dug to the deepest part of my soul. I have put on my gardening gloves and pulled out weeds. I have put on work gloves and dug a little deeper with a shovel. I have taken out the hammer drill and cracked my plaster walls and left huge holes. I have mounted on my jackhammer and dug a trench in my driveway. Yet I still cannot find a single piece of my being and my soul that feels happy for these couples. There is absolutely nothing in my being that wants even a bit of happiness for them. I don’t want them to feel love for each other. I don’t want them to travel and have kids and buy a house and write ridiculous stories on The Knot about how they met and got engaged.

I think back to when I was with those people and the pain they caused me during the relationship and after the relationship and I wonder why I ever ever wanted them to be happy. I think at points I really did but mostly I just wanted to find happiness in myself and for myself. I wanted them to be just as happy for me as I was supposed to be for them.

So the dirt has piled up from all my digging and I think it is time to throw them in the hole and bury them back up. All the so called happiness I have looked for to give them can now be spent in building my own foundation in my life.

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