I am an introvert. To the extreme. And that is not going to change. Anyone who wants that to change, well you are going to be disappointed because it isn’t going to. I am almost 39 years old and I have spent my life putting myself in situations that make me uncomfortable for the sake of others. I have spent countless nights hanging around people while feeling like I was drowning. Sitting around listening to people and all I can do is anything to keep from wanting to just die right there in front of everyone. I have spent years doing this for the sake of others. I sat through countless hours of family events, a million hours of sitting around watching my exes drink with their friends. And I decided a couple of years ago, that I am not going to do that anymore.
Now that I know what makes me feel good about myself and what doesn’t, I won’t put myself in a situation where I know I will spiral into a state of depression and negativity.
So that being said, if I don’t hang out with you in a big group, it’s not because I don’t like you. It’s not because I don’t want to know you. It’s because I need my space. I need to have the sound of the TV in the background to keep me from thinking other thoughts. I need to not answer idle questions or smile when I all I want to do is be alone. I know myself more than anyone in the world so if I don’t show up, it’s because I need that time. I need to not talk. And that usually happens after I’ve been talking for hours and hours.
If you want to get to know me, then you will. But at a time when it I don’t feel pressure to be someone so you can feel better about yourself. Go out to dinner with me. Go for a walk with me. Go hiking with me. Read my blog. Ask me relevant questions. But please don’t expect to get to know me in a group of 20 people because that is not going to happen.
And if I do allow you in, know that you must be special. But know that I need to do it in my space and in my time. Just because you may thrive in situations with a zillion people, doesn’t mean I do.
I promise you will know me. I can’t promise that you will like everything about me.