Tears For Fears

Once again I had another breakdown at work. This is now the second this quarter, which I guess is better than I used to be at my old job where I had like month long breakdowns where I would just cry under my desk, in my car, and once just left for a week without telling anyone. And the funny thing about that was nobody noticed I was gone!

I don’t like getting emotional at work but it happens. I am an emotional person and I believe in the work that I do. I don’t just come in and go home and forget about it. Just not who I am. Maybe if I took care of my personal self the way I take care of my professional self I would be unstoppable. Anyway, it happens and I cry. And I get mad. And I want to throw things but I don’t. Instead I take walks around the parking lot. And I look at the rocks I want to throw instead of throwing them. I also put on my beats and listen to music loudly, pull my hair, and then dream about the big plate of pasta I am going to eat when I get home. I always eat pasta when I get upset.

It doesn’t really matter why I get upset. That’s not the point of this post. The point is that I cry at everything and I just have to learn to accept it and not apologize for it because I go from crying to laughing in T minus 60 and it’s just the way I am. I cry at commercials, I cry when I walk past Lucky Charms at the store, I cry when I watch Fred play ball, I cry when I look at pictures of elephants. You get the point. I just get emotional.

However, what I would like to understand is why I don’t cry at big things. My stepmother is supposedly dying of lung cancer and I haven’t shed a single tear.  And I’ve tried. I’ve sat down and thought about it and still haven’t been able to cry. Who knows. I’m not really putting too much thought into it.

One thing I learned today is when I take two minutes to breathe in and out, the second I allow myself the first breath, tears flow down my face but after the two minutes, I’m totally dry eyed. Allowing ourselves to cry is good.  Try it sometime. Just maybe not in the conference room.

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