Such a Racket

I have been threatening to get a breast reduction for years. Mostly myself. I threaten myself. And my boobs. They feel threatened a lot by this. I told myself I would get this present for my 40th birthday. However, I did decide that I would hold off for now so instead I put my love and energy into a different kind of rack. A roof rack. And a car for that roof rack.

I decided it was time to get a new car. And I decided that car had to be a 4Runner. I wanted to be cool. I wanted a cool car. That was it. That was the car I was going to get. Nobody was going to tell me otherwise. I was going to get it. I was going to put a rails on top and I was going to look cool.

Last Sunday I went with my parents to go look for the car or I guess I should say truck. I test drove it and really liked it but my gut was telling me it wasn’t the right car for me. And it was upsetting. I knew in my gut that I should look at the Highlander just because it was bigger and roomier and was more practical and had more features. But I looked at that car and just thought “mom car”. And in my head I just kept saying “mom car mom car mom car mom car mom car and I’m not a mom. Yet.”.
I started to get teary eyed at the dealership because here I am having no clear picture of the future and seeing this version of myself in a truck with a dog and a car rack for my non existing kayak. And the other picture I saw was me with a dog and my non existing kayak driving a mom car with no kid. And neither felt particularly good.
I gave it a shot and went to look at the Highlander and I got in and tears started and I said “dammit this is a really nice car….”…..and at that moment I decided it was that car I needed to get.
So now I have a Highlander, which I am calling my “non mom mom car” because really it can go either way. I can throw a kid in there or not. I can throw a dog in there or not. But what I can do, is throw a kayak on the top because I got the rails on top. Will I? No of course not. But I can. So yes for my birthday I did get a new rack. A beautiful new rack. And a car to go with it.

Chipity Do Dah

When did it become so impossible to just pick out a bag of chips at the grocery store? There used to be like five options…maybe ten. Now there are 260 different chip options on the shelf and I can’t decide nor should I have to. It used to be plain and salted and Cape Code (which nobody really liked). Now I have salted, semi-salted, Himalayan Sea-salted, Black Sea-salted, lava-salted, kettle-corn salted. There is dill flavored, olive oil flavored, rosemary, onion, bbq, mesquite bbq, Texas bbq, Kansas bbq, vegan bbq, maple syrup, dill pickle, kosher pickle, sour pickle, sea-salted sour pickle, soft-shell crab flavored, smoked gouda, lobster-dill, sharpie pen flavored, new magazine fresh off the press flavored, hair-dye flavored, flavor of self-doubt…you name it, there is a flavor chip for it.

Let’s go back to the days where there was plain, salted and bbq. Where you knew you were wasting 400 calories and 606 mg of sodium for the ten chips that we got out of a bag.

Accept with an exception

Lately in life, I’ve had to say this a lot. “Oh well.” “It happens.” “Who knows.” I was lying in bed last night about to put on Netflix when I decided instead to look up inspirational quotes on Pinterest. It actually didn’t start with inspiration. I googled. “quotes on feeling like shit.” but then as I looked through them I realized that they really didn’t relate to how I was feeling at all so I shifted to a more positive page. It was then that I stumbled upon this quote “Sometimes you have to accept things the way they are and move on.”

Tears started to roll down my face because that is exactly what I needed to read. I talked in therapy the other day that I have three different people living inside of me and I never know who to listen to. I have the one person who wants facts for everything. Known facts for why things happen. The end. This is the reason. Then there is the person inside of me who doesn’t want to know anything or care at all and just let things be the way they are. It’s just how it is. Then there is the person inside of me who wants a metaphysical reason for being; wants to know that there is a divine reasoning for everything that happens. The sprits said you will get this so you will get this. These three lucky ladies get to constantly talk to each other every day and I’m the lucky lady who has to choose who to listen to.

That is why this quote hit me to hard. It’s kind of a version of all three. ¬†For me, sometimes the only way I can deal with anything or move on or move sideways or forward or back or any place really is to just realize that I have to and there is no other choice. If I want to keep going, I have to just keep going and I can spend all day asking why or just move on to other things. It’s what has made me the stronger person I am. And when I can accept things the way they are and move on, it helps. It doesn’t make it easier or better or right or wrong. It just helps. So for now I accept until I find an exception. Then I’ll find a new quote.